“And what if you need to go to the bathroom?”

“Well then I’ll go and come right back.”

“And what if one of us gets hurt while you’re not there?  Maybe we could call 911?”  (no, my kids don’t have cell phones of their own) 

… And so on, all the way there.  Even though it’s the same school, the same building as last year, many of the same families, and we’ve done this routine before.  The first year, if I ever dared slip out the the restroom without interrupting the class to let the boys know where I was going and how long I expected to be, I would return to two sobbing and hyperventilating little men.  So much for my attempt at not disrupting the teacher’s flow!

Last year went a little better.  I committed to the boys that I would quietly tap their shoulders if I was leaving the room and then tap them again when I got back.  Somehow that contented them.  All but once, when I got stopped by another mom in the hall and took longer than the customary allotted time for a potty break.  That time, it was back to the aforementioned breakdown.

But this year is the 3rd year, and I wanted to see if they could handle being “like the other kids” whose moms come and go as need be.   So I told them we would try that for that day.  We rehearsed that they know I’m going to be there most of the class time, and if I go out for a moment, I’ll be coming back soon.  And I never leave them anywhere alone.

I have one child who’s ready and one not, it turns out.  One jumped right into participating in class, making friends with the other kids, and only occasionally glancing back to smile at me.

The other kept checking over his shoulder.  And when he wasn’t looking at me, I strongly suspect he was worrying about me leaving most of the time.  Because he wasn’t retaining much of anything.  He was giving incorrect answers for questions I know he can handle.  And then he’d look again.  About every 30 seconds.

He knows I love him, that I have never left him, that I never will.  In his mind he knows that.

But then there’s that other place in his mind, the place that remembers – even though he does not – that he has been left.  That the person he most counted on disappeared.  Twice, that we know of.  And that part of him just knows that if he doesn’t keep a sharp eye on me, I might vanish.  Or maybe forget that I have kids and leave without them?  Or maybe not care?  Or something.  He can’t tell me exactly what it is that he’s afraid will happen.  Simply that I’ll leave.  And be gone.

And so it’ll be back to taps on the shoulder and possibly a seat-relocation to where he can see me without turning all the way around.  For now anyway.

Will I encourage him to stretch himself to trust me in spite of his anxiety?  Yes.  That’s a life-skill I want him to have – acting in courage in the face of fear.  But I don’t need to fabricate occasions for that.  Life does that all by itself. 

In the meantime, it’s consistency, reassurance and more time.  Back to more than just everyone’s typical routines for us this Fall!

However, did you know that you can SEE who needs a home here in the U.S.?

Check out AdoptUSKids.  Also try searching by state – each state’s child social services agency has its own list.  The information is a bit limited (as appropriate, to protect the kids’ privacy), but you can get a basic idea of who they are (with pictures).

If you’re thinking of adopting and don’t have the restrictions we’ve chosen to put on our situation, there are many, many kids who need families who are ready to love them through their adjustment process and provide them with permanent homes to return to every holiday season for the rest of their lives.

It’s something Fred and I will re-consider when our current young kids are a good bit older and can fully understand the process.

We in the U.S. have become so accepting of adoption as “a good thing” and “normal” that it seems like we (and maybe those in other highly-developed countries) have forgotten a foundational truth: Children available for adoption are only available BECAUSE something has gone wrong.  Their birthparents have died, relinquished custody, or have had their parental rights legally terminated because of abuse or neglect.  Many of these kids then go into institutional settings while they wait for placement with a family.  Institutional settings are no substitute for family settings, even temporary foster ones, so more “damage” occurs while the kids wait.  Then, in the best of circumstances, these kids are adopted by a family.  They don’t really know that family, they unsure whether they’re going to like that family, and when they’ve already been “let down” (or out-right abused) by other adults in their lives, it’s very hard for them to trust – and then love! – the newest adults in a stream of them who have passed through their lives.

So even in the best of circumstances, children who have been adopted are going to suffer grief/loss, anxiety/fear, depression, post-traumatic stress, insecure attachment at first, and the other consequences of all they’ve been through.  It is totally normal for the families who adopt them, then, to need outside help in dealing with what their extraordinary circumstances bring about. 

In the harder situations, the children have full-blown cases of Reactive Attachment Disorder.  RAD is nothing short of miserable to deal with – for the child and the parents.  When adoptions “disrupt” (the parents relinquish the child), RAD is almost always the reason.

So Where Can a Family Look for Post-Adoption Help?  Here are a few links to get you started.

POST-ADOPTION INFORMATION, COUNSELING, AND OTHER RELATED SERVICES:

• Adoption.com
• A4EverFamily - Loads of information in their left sidebar!
• ATTACh (Association for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children) – An international organization, based in Lake Villa, IL.
• Attach-China International
• The Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio - Services not limited to Ohio residents. 
• C.A.S.E. (Center for Adoption Support and Education) – C.A.S.E. provides counseling and educational services to adoptive families, educators, adoption services providers, social workers, mental health and human services providers, and to adoptees themselves. 
• Casey Family Services - Serves the New England region with counseling and training services, but also provides resource material nationally.
• Center for Family Connections – based in Cambridge, MA
• Child Welfare Information Gateway – Administered by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the Children’s Bureau, and the Administration for Children and Families.  This site is a great place to start, get validation that the what your family is experiencing, while not “normal” for families in general, is totally normal for adoptive families and that help is available. 
• Dillon International  - For heritage camps, birth country trips, parent education.
• Holt International - An adoption agency that’s been operating since the 1950’s and has a solid reputation.  They take calls, regardless of agency affiliation and will direct you to helpful sources.
• Local Therapy/Counseling Services – I can’t list an exhaustive State-by-State here, but call any local counseling clinic and ask for a referral to someone who has specific experience with post-adoption therapy, or search online (use your State’s name + “post adoption services”).
• Spence-Chapin
• Your Own Agency – Take advantage of every resource they’ll provide.  They know your family and your child; who better to turn to!  (This presumes that you had a good experience with them, I realize.  If not, jump to one of the places above.)

CRISIS INTERVENTION, RESPITE, ALTERNATE PLACEMENT:

• ARCH National Respite Network – State-by-State search for respite services.
• Attachment Consultants of the Ozarks – Based in Missouri, but with intensive-therapy treatments of varying lengths available for families who can travel to participate.  
• Attachment Services of Central Florida - Services include a 2-week intensive therapy service for children diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and their parents.
• Attachment Treatment & Training Institute - Run by Evergreen Psychotherapy Center, Evergreen, CO.  Their site includes lodging information for families admitted into their 2-week intensive program.
• Fraser
• The Mending Hearts Program – Run by Kentucky Adoption Services, offers post-placement help for families in crisis and new-placement services for families who decide they cannot parent the child they have adopted.
• The Ranch for Kids - Provides therapeutic respite services for your child.  It is costly, but includes schooling, counseling, animal therapy, vocational training and medication supervision.  The program aims to enable children and families to reunite with a more secure attachment; however, they also provide  adoption placement services for those whose parents decide to annul or disrupt their adoptions.

Obviously, getting help before the situation at home reaches crisis-level is best.  But even if someone has waited a little “too long” and needs more than a weekly therapy session with their child, those kinds of services are out there. 

I’m glad the issue is getting international attention, but awareness of the solutions is the only way to prevent similar stories in the future.

An adoption dossier is the set of documents required by a foreign country in order to be considered to adopt there.  Not ever country requires one, but most do. 

U. S. domestic adoptions do not require a dossier.

Submitting your dossier is the first official step in that country.  Usually, you have to submit some portion of the country fee (the amount of money that country collects from prospective adoptive parents in order to process an adoption) with your dossier.

Submitting a dossier does not guarantee that you will adopt a child.  Each country has the right to decline a family’s file.

What’s in a dossier?

The specifics vary from country to country, but some standard requirements for U.S. citizens adopting internationally are:

• Original birth certificates for all family members (including existing children)
• Original marriage certificate (for couples)
• Certified copies of state and FBI criminal background clearances
• Immigration approval (797-C or similar), stating that USCIS (U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services) has approved you to bring a child or children back to the U.S. [Note: this approval letter will state on it how many children you are approved to adopt.]
• Proof of income/financial security
• Photos of your family and home
• Reference letters
• A certified Homestudy Report that specifically approves you to adopt from that country, a set number of children, and with evidence that you will be good adoptive parents.
• Certified reports from your doctors that all family members are basically healthy and capable of bringing another child into the home.
• Name affidavits for both spouses (certified lists of every name you’ve ever gone by on any official or unofficial document)
• Power of attorney letter (giving the in-country legal team/attorney representation of your case there)

Tips for Compiling a Dossier:

1. Use as few notaries as possible.  Many countries require apostilled dossiers.  Every document must be notarized, then authenticated at the county courthouse in which that notary lives, then apostilled at the state house in the state in which that county is located.  So using a dozen notaries could mean going to a dozen different county courthouses for those county certifications.  Sometimes you won’t be able to help it, but as often as you can, take your documents to the same notary.
2. Pay attention to details.  Make sure the notary dates her or his stamp with the same date on the document.  Dossiers can get kicked out of consideration for things like that.  Make sure you have every document required before submitting your dossier; they’ll get kicked out for missing items, too.  Basically, your dossier is your way of putting your best foot forward in another country, so be picky.
3. Call your agency with questions.  Lots of people (like me!) have experience with adoption, but requirements change frequently, and you are paying your agency a good amount of money to help you out with your adoption.  So rather than polling others, ask your agency what they want to see before they submit your dossier to another country.
4. Get a FedEx/UPS/other shipper account.  It’s a lot of work getting your documents compiled, stamped, sealed, blessed by the powers that be… you want to know where your documents are whenever you have to send them somewhere.  So don’t just put them in the mail and hope for the best.  Track ‘em.  It’s worth the cost just to have the peace of mind (and accountability).
5. Gather as many items as you can during the Homestudy phase.  Some of the items (like the doctors’ letters and the criminal clearances) are required both for the initial Homestudy and also for the later Dossier.  So get them at the same time, if possible.  It’ll save you a second time of running around to acquire them.
6. Make a checklist.  It will help you know where each document is in the process, which ones you still need, and which ones are done.  It’s heartening to watch the list fill out – a good visual reminder that you will get through it all!

Longer Answer and Explanation:

An adoption placement agency is the agency that will match you with a child you’ve said you would accept for adoption.  Ideally, that agency is looking to place children needing families with the best family matches for them and not the other way around, but that’s a topic for another post.  Your placement agency can be anywhere in the country of which you are a citizen.

If you enroll in an international adoption program, your placement agency should have reputable contacts in that country to facilitate the legal process there.  Always check on an agency and what you can find out about their reputation in-country before signing with them!

For both of our adoptions, our placement agencies have been out-of-state.  It’s a little weird not knowing what the people with whom you’re talking on the phone look like, but with a good agency you get used to it, and it doesn’t matter.

You should look for an agency with a good reputation who offers the adoption program to which you feel called.  For example, amidst the current crisis in Haiti, there is renewed interest in adopting orphans from that country.  If that describes you, find a reputable agency who offers a Haitian adoption program.

That agency can provide you with a list of agencies in your own state with whom they are willing to work in order to meet your homestudy requirements.

Once you select a homestudy agency, the two will sign a legal agreement to cooperate for your adoption process.  A homestudy agency does all the background-checking and in-home visitations required to compile a homestudy report, and then they write it.  Depending on the length of your adoption process, your homestudy agency will also provide annual updates when your reports “expire.”  Additionally, the homestudy agency you select will be responsible for any post-placement follow-up visits required by your placement agency or by the country from which you’re adopting.

For domestic adoptions in the U.S., your homestudy agency usually is capable of sending your paperwork between states to make sure you are considered as potential adoptive parents for children in other states who might be well-matched to your family.  Some states are better than others at inter-state relations, but you should be able to complete a domestic adoption using just one agency.  In that case, yes, you should find an agency in the state in which you primarily reside.

The requirements your agency gives you should at least cover everything listed here. 

Also useful for checking the status of currently-”closed” countries (we keep an eye on Guatemala, ourselves, since our twins were born there).

So here it is - how much our adoptions have and will cost, and I also hit up a friend for the cost of her domestic adoption, since ours are both international.  But one quick item before I continue: even if you know someone well enough to ask him or her their answer to this question, please, please, please watch your words and never ask “so how much did they [the kids] cost?”  The process costs money; the children are priceless.

Needed to mention that since I’m not the only one I know who has gotten that “off” question – by people who meant no harm, but really…

That said:

International Adoption of Twins - Guatemala* 2006-2007

Agency Fee (For Facilitating the Process between us and the attorney in Guatemala) – $4,300/1st child + $2,200/sibling = $6,500

Homestudy Fees (Report + Inspections/Background Checks/Fingerprinting/Document Fees) – $1,200 + approx $200 = $1,400

Dossier Paperwork Fees (Immigration/Seals/Apostilles/Postage) – approx. $1,000

Country Fee (each country sets its own, meant to cover foster care/court fees/attorneys’ salary/other) – $20, 000 ea. x 2 = $40,000

DNA Testing (to match twins to birthmom) – $705

Travel (pickup trip: flights/hotel – 6 night stay/tours/souveniers) – approx. $3,500

Visas for the Twins – $380  ea. x 2 = $760

Post-Placement Visits/Report Fee – $300

Readoption in the USA – $125

Citizenship Certificates – $420 ea. x 2 = $840

                    Total Cost: $55, 130 (Families with just one child paid between $30,000-$35,000 during that time)

Employer Adoption Assistance – $5,000/child x 2 = -$10,000

Federal Tax Credit $10,630/child x 2 = -$21, 260 

Maryland Tax Refund (due to state adoption tax deduction) = -$3008

                    Our Net Cost: $24, 278 (would’ve been $17, 865   – $22, 865 for just one, according to other families’ experiences)

*Guatemala is currently closed for U.S. adoptions, due to investigations into corruption in that system.  The fees that were being charged to adoptive parents are one of the items being investigated.  It really is unclear where all of our country fee went, considering the twins were in foster care for only 8 months.  Hopefully their new system will be much more transparent – and less costly. 

International Adoption - 2 Siblings -  El Salvador 2008 till whenever we get placement

Application Fees (2 Agencies: Placement + Homestudy Agency) – $350

Placement Agency Fee - $5,000

Homestudy Fees (Report + Inspections/Background Checks/Fingerprinting/Document Fees) – $1,600 + approx $300 = $1,900

Online Education Course (required) – $100

Dossier Paperwork Fees (Immigration/ Psych & IQ Testing/Seals/Apostilles/Postage) – approx. $2,700

Country Fee (each country sets its own, covers court fees/attorneys’ salary/other) – $10,000 (hopefully no additional charge for a sibling!)

Travel (pickup trip: flights/hotels – 3 week stay/tours/souveniers) – approx. $5,600

Visas for the Twins – $400  ea. x 2 = $800

Post-Placement Visits/Reports (3, 6, 12, 24 &36 months after placement - $1,500

                    Total Cost: $27,950 (very slight reduction if we adopt one child and not siblings)

                    Our Net Cost: Under $12,000 (May even be free if we adopt siblings, assuming similar Employer and Tax benefits)

Domestic Adoption – 1 Child - 2007-2009

A friend of mine was kind enough to let me be nosy about the fees she ultimately ended up paying in her adoption process that just concluded.  She and her husband did their homestudy and placement all through one agency, paying similar document and homestudy report fees to those above.  Their total cost:  just under $20,000. 

They chose to enroll in both their agency’s Infant and the Older Child programs because they were willing to adopt either. They noted that enrolling in the second program cost them about $2000, so had they not done that their total cost would have been just under $18,000.

They’ll be getting a $10,000 Employer Adoption Benefit and I told them about the Tax Credit, so when all is said and done, they will Net a Zero-Cost for the Adoption! 

In all the scenarios above, we’ve all had to front the money and then collect on the benefits later.  So, yes, adoption IS expensive at first.  But with the benefits that are out there, the numbers become much less daunting.  Or non-existant. 

I’ll post another time on how to fund an adoption.  But for now, I hope this is at least a start for someone who’s wondering whether or not it’s even possible.